Day 3: Mood Journal

General Mood: Nothing special

I think I spent most of time sleeping today since I only went to bed like 3 in the morning, then was woken up by my mom at 9 to give the little monkey a bath and to clean out the closet for stuff that we're not using. Then I continued sleeping until around 1 where I showered, folded laundry, fed my cats, fed monkeys, ate, then made banana bread.

Then I had to cook for my sisters then I only had a small amount of time to write which I spent drawing while waiting for the bread to be ready.

Then I had to put my sisters to sleep. And now I'm finally here.

Anyways, made this sketch, inspired by Mey Yeng's poem The Hole and Hourglass, it's a quick sketch and it's not even finished yet but I thought I should put it here so at least I could show I had something done today. Procrastination is strong with me.

There's a hole in my chest

Where an hourglass sits perfectly

Watching tears fall in uniform drops

Going drip, drip, drip

Today, because of something that happened with a friend a couple of days ago got me thinking about privacy. I like my privacy, I LOVE my privacy. I like talking about myself (obviously) but not when it comes about personal stuff.

And I think because of it, it had restrained any curiosity I have about other people's life, even my friends. I always feel strange about why people want to know about other people's life, much less people that you don't actually know, like all those shows about celebrities? I'm like pssh, I'd rather read a book or watch a good movie.

And then I realize that this outlook I have about privacy is actually something that I have since I was a kid, and since I live in a small, close-knit, sheltered community that has everyone know about everyone, it kind of gives you the idea of how oblivious or some would say intentionally set apart I was from most people.

For instance, when my mother asks about my friend and who their parents are I'm like, "I dunno". And at that second I have this tone in my voice that would probably tell the one who are talking to me about of how completely ridiculous that question sounds to me. My logic was--and still is--I am friends with her/him...not their family. What interests me, what I like is him/her, not them. Those two things have no connection and they exists separately in my mind.

I have befriend people who I have known since kindergarten...and I STILL have no clue who their parents are (which, as I think back on it, is REALLY weird, since we are a REALLY close-knit group) or how many siblings they have.

And that kind of attitude is still relevant to how I connect with my friends now. Of course some of them wants me to meet their family and of course when that happens I try my best to be kind and polite. But even then, it's not like I want to suck up to the family but more like, okay, his/her family is important to them, my good relationship to his/her family is important to them so I will be on my best behavior.

My views on friendship is quite liberal, I think. Even now, I can count on one hand the people that I am friends with and interestingly enough, the closer I am, the lesser we talk when we are apart. Oh, we text, sure, but usually over random comments and never a 'conversation'.

But when we do get together, we usually hang out and can talk all day, still comfortable and at ease like we see each other every day.

I'm lucky in that way, that my friendships are with people that are confident in their relationships so they don't cling. Whenever I'm in my hibernation mode, they understand and they leave me well alone. It's awesome.

But, even then, there are some aspects to my views of friendship that seem peculiar to other people. For instance, when I met this one friend, our schedule clashed with her appointment to her doctor and she really needed to go to her doctor so, I'm like, "we should go". And she keeps apologizing to me like it's a problem and I'm like, "dude, chill. We were going to hang out, look, we're hanging out."

And she's like, "This is okay? I mean, don't you want to go somewhere?"

Me, "I'm here to see you."

And she has this look on this face that kind of gives me an inkling of how weird that sounds to her. I guess to her, a day with a friend is like going to the mall or somewhere where you can do stuff. To me, a day with a friend can be anywhere; a trip to the dentist, grocery shopping, sitting at home reading without even having to speak to each other.

To me friendship isn't about sharing your secrets or experiences or whatever, it is creating a quiet space inside your heart, inside your life for them to make a home in, for them to feel safe and not fear of rejection or ridicule.