Day 1

After talking to a friend who is dealing with a bout of clinical depression we decide to help each other out by making a mood journal either by way of sketches or words or a combination of both. 

Okay, the picture above is a really simplistic sketch but it is the one that I can do in the time I have. And it describes my mood perfectly.

I guess today I am thoughtful.

After a discussion with said friend I start asking myself, 'am I happy?' and truth be told the only answer I can give is 'I am not unhappy' and the most definite answer I can admit is, 'I am content'.

To me happiness isn't a state of mind or a state of being, it is a feeling, a momentary one at that. If something good happens, I'm happy...then after a few seconds later I am back to being me. 

My emotions are usually flat although like most people I do have some ups and downs. And let me tell you, those downs are...like...really...DOWN.

Not that I ever thought of suicide--I love myself too much--but I do think about death, and I would have this scenarios in my head on how I would later die and imagine how people would react to my death.

But that's normal, right?

I think one of the things that makes me have those low moments is my tendency to compartmentalize just a little too much and after I do, I never take the moment to settle the problems that I've shoved aside and because of it the emotions and the problems had had time to fester and simmer until it just had to go somewhere.

Rather than that, I live my life the way I see fit with all the restrictions that I have. I accept my flaws and value my self. I have great friends; both a blessing and a curse.

I do have times where I cry for no reason at all, where the tears cannot seem to stop.

But then it passes.

Then I wake up, I clean, I fold the laundry, I write, I listen to music, I sing, sometimes I dance. I play with my cats, I write again, I watch movies, I talk with my sister over food, I bond with my mother over recipes, I cook, I live my life. 

Like I said, I am not unhappy but I am content.