Wednesday, December 3, 2014

So, a lot of things have happened last month.

Nanowrimo is over--I won!- but the novel is still messed up and I'm switching between 'Till Death Do Us Not Part and DreamWalkers. 

A friend of mine from high school died and like always I'm still waiting to feel something for that since I have a bad habit of suppressing things, it's like I try to hard not to react to things immediately that I usually have delayed reactions to emotional things. It helps when we have an emergency, I could concentrate more on what needs to be done and think rationally but afterwards I always find myself questioning 'wow, is this it? Is this all the emotion I can spare?' then I'm left feeling like I'm a cold, heartless bastard. 

That's how I'm feeling right now. 

I mean, what's the big deal? It's only a high school friend that you haven't even see for 10 years or more. You haven't even talked to her or messaged her or even chatted on facebook. You might ask me that. 

But you don't understand. We were a trio, we were close all through high school. Maybe it's because she'd been sickly that I didn't feel surprise when I heard she died. Maybe this is coarse of me, but all I felt was relief, that she wouldn't slip in and out of comas and feel pain anymore. 

When my sister got into a really bad accident and both my parents were worried and crying, I was like 'okay, what can I do?', not even a hint of worry entered my mind. All I asked was, "Will she be okay?" and then I'm good. 

It's like when something happens, my mind immediately jumps to logic mode. I guess that's a good thing. But I'm thinking one of these days, I'd just break. 

Moving on.

Most people who knows me, knows that I'm a big advocate for learning outside of school. I mean, learning in school is great but you can't really focus on what you're actually interested on but lately, as I read and write and watch educational videos, never have I felt the gaping hole in my school curriculum.

I mean, let's take language for instance, in most countries in junior high they've taken to discussing novels by inspirational authors both domestic and internationally. We didn't, we were still studying about punctuation,  and structure.

We're just so behind on everything! We have no elective subjects, and my school was one of the best with extra funding.

Why couldn't they have given us more of a challenge?

I feel the lack of it now, you know, when I talk with people outside my country and I have to look up the things they're talking about and yes, it's great that I'm learning but it also makes me feel how lacking I've been.

As a writer, you have to know things, you have to know a lot of things and when you don't, you do research but in order to research you kind of have to actually know what it is you're looking for--and because of my lack of foundation, I often do not.

It's frustrating.