I once had a guy yelled at me, calling me 'bitch' when I didn't respond to his overture, apparently he wanted to talk to me. He was so persistent that I offered to talk to him at a 24/7 food stall that I was heading to, but he refused. Why the hell was I even giving him the chance to speak to me?

Let me set the scene. It was 2 AM, I was walking home from the cybercafe where I was working on a translation. He saw me and turned around to follow me. Here are my choices, either stop there to talk to him (not likely) or have him follow me home (hell no) so I offered to humor him but in a familiar space where everybody knows me and are friendly. 

He refused. So, I walked on and ignore him. He followed me again until I walked to the food stall where he left me yelling 'bitch' (not really, he called me a really nasty word in Indonesian-Javanese). The owner of the food stall asked me what was that about and I told him that the guy was following me so I'm gonna wait here for a moment just to make sure that he was gone. He shrugged and gave me a free iced milo. 

And of course, since all the people in the stall was male, 'they said that's why I shouldn't be walking in the middle of the night."

I opened my mouth to explain myself, would tell them about I had work, it only took five minutes to walk home, I know everyone that worked in the cybercafe, I know the people that worked in the 24/7 mini market that I always passed by, the road is brightly lit, and in the middle of the cafe to my house, there is this place who is always crowded by people, but then I shut my mouth realizing, I didn't NEED to explain to them, I didn't NEED to feel ashamed or embarrassed because I wasn't the one doing wrong. But that's the case with these kind of situations. The victim is the one to blame for being careless and stupid, not the perpetrator. There are always scumbugs in the world, and if you get screwed, it's your fault for not being vigilant enough. 

But it doesn't really work like that. I once rode a pedicab, in bright day light and this guy in a motorbike followed me, said hi and tried to talk to me. I ignored him, and then when he passed by me he actually stopped to wait for the pedicab to catch up and followed me right to my university. He waited for me when my class was over so I had to hang back for a while until he left. That's in bright day light. Then there are guys who like to act innocent and then brush up against me in public places. How the hell do I protect myself against that?

And I don't get the self-entitlement that goes with harassment, as if it is perfectly all right for them to accost me and feel insulted and offended when I don't feel inclined to speak with them. Even my mother told me to 'be nice and polite' so I wouldn't make things worst by antagonizing them. But being nice and polite as in eye contact is often mistakenly construed as encouragement and that's the opposite of what I want to do. 

Then of course, there's the whole other side of being (what other people consider) too vigilant. When you slow down your steps so the guy walking behind you will walk in front of you. When you refuse to go inside an elevator when a guy is inside it. When you ignore a guy who tries to talk to you on the street. When you refuse a ride from a guy you've only known for a couple of days. When you unconsciously shift away when a guy enters a space. And then they look at you or treat you as if they are offended by how you're 'overly cautious' with them. 

So, being 'overly cautious' means you're insulting perfectly good men who can't possibly harass you, and being 'careless' means you're asking for it. 

It's a damn if you do or damn if you don't do situation and the thought that most women experience this everyday pisses me off.