Okay, job is actually quite nice. The people are laid-back though the job is pretty intense and I haven't made any bad mistakes. I only need to walk 5 minutes from home, I get fresh pastries in the morning and also lunch so I don't need to spend money on transportation or food. More money to buy books!
And sister in law just told me that yeah, there's a big bookstore here that sells import books.
Of course, I have to restrain myself. Damn.
I need a book shelf.
BTW, look what CC made me!!!
She made my dream a reality and made it even more awesome. I love the vividness of the colors, and there's a cat. And a monkey, and I have so much love right now. And I kind of want to cry.
One of the things I hate are people who dismiss your pain. As if just because they don't consider it important, or that they've never felt that way, then it must be something that you can just shake off.
Well, depression doesn't work that. It sticks, it clings and it smothers. All you can do is keep moving on and keep doing stuff and not let it have too strong of a hold on you.
But one day it will no matter how much you fight it and yes, you will feel like dying inside and all you want to do is shut out the world because it's just too much, because people are just too much, because feelings are just too much. You curl up inside yourself and let everything hurt and bleed and fester and hope you can resurface.
Then you go back to moving and breathing and doing.
And that pain is real and it is real and nobody can tell you any different. But you are going to beat it down and stand up again and struggle through it. And you will make yourself happy by doing things that you love and finding things that you will love day after day. Because your happiness is not up to other people, it is up to you. AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY, DAMN IT.
So, I have mentioned that I've been a slump this month. I haven't done anything much, not even things that I enjoy. I kind of just want to sleep the day away. That or read. With the food poisoning I've also been--well, I have difficulty in trying to find something I can eat without puking it back out.
I haven't even written anything so Camp NaNo was a bust.
I guess it's time for me to change some things like my day to day activity.
Time for me to pick up my butt and start doing yoga and jogging again. I need me some endorphin to shake off my mood.
I also plan to clean my room and rearrange stuff. Have less clutter and--
Marvelously just planning these things make me feel better, and I'm pumped to write again.
It probably helped that today I got out of the house for the first time in two weeks.
Friday, April 19, 2013
I'm in a pretty big slump today. I don't even feel like writing. Wait did I say today? I mean THIS MONTH.
You know those moments, when you realize that you've passed a milestone from childhood to adulthood?
People experience those moments in different ways. For me, it's when I outgrow a book. When rereading a book, a passage or a scene that had seemed so big and wondrous for me suddenly seemed ordinary. Or when that really wonderful thing happened, when I suddenly understood something that years before I didn't, that a phrase that didn't mean anything suddenly did. That I could relate to something I couldn't before.
That for me is a sign that, yes, I have experienced things, have lived through events in my life that added to and made me to who I am now and because of it, I could understand this book, this character like I couldn't before.
Those moments makes me sad and wistful but also bittersweetly happy.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday with a friend. This is the same friend that I've mentioned before, the musician, the one who has known me for a very long time.
Our relationship is very interesting in the way that we've known each other since childhood. But unlike most people who were childhood friends, we had a 'break' for a couple of years and reconnected when we were both a little more jaded, harder, wary of...I want to say relationships but that's not really the correct word, I guess I should just say of people in general.
Now for those who don't have childhood friends, let me explain to you how it feels to have one: childhood friends are like time travelling machines, you can be 100 years old but once you see them, you are 6, 10, 14, 17 years old again. They are a part of you, they are what makes you, they are yours and you are theirs in a way that a child will call a toy theirs and only theirs. And for better or worse, you can't stop feeling like that child you were when you are with them.
--because of the 'break' we had, we see each other, at least I do as before and after. I still remember the boy who grew up with me...but meeting him again, I see a different side to him; the man. So, it's like meeting this person who is a familiar stranger, if you know what I mean.
Now he has a wife and kid.
I'm still single and yes, no kid (do pets count?).
But surprisingly we're still walking on the same path; trying to make our dreams come true and trying to overcome the problems and consequences that comes from doing that.
Anyway, I was talking to him about this song that I could seriously relate to. A song that pretty much conveys what I feel when I sit down with my friends who are successful in their jobs, making big bucks, having their own families...people who are living lives in a completely different way from me.
A life, that I know, is just not for me.
Usually, when I say this, my friends get all in my face, either sympathetic, disbelief, or in pity. It pisses me off, of course.
But then, this friend, this old friend pointed out some things that make me think. He is good for that. Sometimes, we serve as either a trashcan or a sounding board for each other.
And then he said something, said that I taught him how to look at both sides of the argument.
And that made me feel good, that I, being myself, taught him something that he actually applied to his life--and mine. That I had a part of making him to the person that he is now; someone who is smart, generous, conscientious, caring and insightful.
This is why you need to surround yourself with good people, 'cause when you are down, they will remind you of the good in you.
That when you can't see the good qualities in yourself, you will find it in your friends.
General Mood: At the time I'm writing this? Annoyed
When you live in a house full of people, it's usually always the little things that irritates. My pet peeve of all time is food.
Don't you hate it when you go out, buy food or groceries or a delicacy or just something that you want, you put it in a freezer and then when you come back and intend to eat you find...IT'S GONE!!
Seriously, when that happens to me, I just see red.
It's not about the money (though yes, that plays a part) it's about the time spent.
You have to understand, in my current situation, I don't get to go out a lot, and that's fine. Mainly, it's because of transportation a.k.a I don't have one. When I was in Yogya I can take a cab or walk or a bus, but here, nope.
Now, my siblings have a car and motorcycles and they go out all the time. BUT THEY DON'T BRING FOOD TO THE HOUSE. They either eat outside or whatever.
I'm the only one who actually buy stuff like groceries and crap to bring home (for me to enjoy because I spend my time at home) but my things always get used up by the very people who has the time and the medium to go outside and buy it themselves.
I mean, why do they have to take what's mine? MINE!!! Can't they accept that concept? There are things that are YOURS and things that are MINE. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELVES.
It's not like I don't share, but, hell, when they just take it without asking...ARGH!!! And when they do take, it's like 2/3 of the portion.
General Mood: I want to say happy but again as I said before, happy is a state of mind for me, a momentary feeling and not a state being. So I think today, I'm feeling all right.
Today had no drama and the like. Everything was pretty good actually. It's my fourth day of SHARKWEEK and the headaches and back pains are gone, the cramps are few and far in between. But I do still feel unusually cold. My blood circulation isn't good apparently.
Anyway, I have finished listing endorsements that my readers have given me, have written blurb and sent the cover JPG, I only need to finish acknowledgements. Hopefully I'll finish it by tonight.
I haven't been baking in a while and I miss it. So, after searching for recipes, I found this:
PEANUT BUTTER BREAD
Ingredients
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/3 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1 cup milk
3/4 cup peanut butter
Grape jelly, optional
Directions
In a bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Add egg, milk and peanut butter; stir just until combined. Pour into a greased 8-in. x 4-in. loaf pan.
Bake at 350° for 50-60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pan to a wire rack. Serve with jelly if desired.
Yield: 1 loaf.
Looks simple enough and we have all the ingredients in he house already...except the egg. I can buy that from the store near the house. But will have to wait for tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about baking, maybe it's a nesting thing since I have reached 'that age', maybe because it reminds me of when I was a kid coming home to the sound of my mom's mixer, and of trying to wheedle my mom so I can lick the stuffing or the icing or whatever.
My mom used to be a great cook and had taken orders to get some money on the side.
Going home to the smell of something fragrant and sweet baking in the oven was kind of a great childhood memory for me.
It's funny how it's always the little things you remember.
You know when it's the time of the month and your head hurts, your stomach hurts, your back hurts, and basically everything is just PAIN.
Well, today is that day.
Anyway editor asks me for the list of endorsements that my beta-readers have given me, an acknowledgement page, the jpg of the cover, and the blurb for the back cover.
They say that the book will be digital and POD (print on demand) so that'll be cool for my readers in neighboring countries.
Should have it all ready by tomorrow but I suck at writing blurbs and summaries, I always write it too long.
I'm thinking of starting like:
There are angels, there are demons then there are the Touched; people who are graced and cursed with the mark of angels and demons inside them. Their duty is to execute the most treacherous balancing act to ever exist; the balance between Good and Evil. In order for them to do this, there are also people like Leah Curran.
Leah has inherited the family talent; the ability to sense angels, demons, and the Touched. This ability has been a burden to her for all her life. When she lost her mother to it, Leah closed herself off from the world but for what's left of her family and her best friend Gabriel.
But the world refuses to stay away and her talent refuses to stay hidden. People are coming for her and she will find herself drawn into the war that has been playing out since time began; a war between heaven and hell.
Oh meh, I'll rewrite this later. GAH.
Oh man, my head really hurts.
Anyway, once I send blurb, cover, etc to editor, the book will be published by the end of Feb or early March. Huzzah!
Life is irritating and then you fall flat on your face.
And die.
Note that down.
I would like to say more but since Baby-Nala is strangely already asleep (It's a miracle!), I want to take this opportunity to get my much needed sleep.
Oh, and problems with editor is now fixed. It's all good now. Tuesday will have more news about the publishing of Touched: The Sword. I am doubtful that it will come out mid-Feb.
An old friend of mine messaged me telling me that his music album (that he has been working since forever) will hopefully be out the end of this month. He had knocked off 4 songs and has 6 songs to go over.
I'm really proud of him and he's really good too. He has a smooth, crooning and voice and his musicality isn't something to scoff at either.
We often chat about how we suffer for our art, how we do it, why we do it, the reactions of people around us, the obstructions we get, the disappointments, the sweet success, and it wasn't a couple of months ago that we met for lunch and discussed about how he wanted to see me (who is still flushed from having signed a contract with a publisher) to gain some sort of momentum (and for me to whine about wanting to listen to his new songs (which I actually got to do)).
I think he just wanted to see that yeah, dreams really do come true.
And hey, it's funny that we have progress in the same month. LOL.
The thing with him is, that he was really a perfectionist, you know? And he's also very academic, and I've always thought of him as someone who'll get a steady office job. Of course, back at school he rapped and loved music but as usual teenagers do, oh, and he also played the piano (but it was something we all did as we grew up, go to madrasah (which I didn't), go be a scout (which I also didn't) and learn to play an instrument (which I did)), so it was a surprise for me when he suddenly played the guitar, SING and got a band.
We both want the same thing, you know, to have what we love as our job. We both know that we still have a long way to go but, we want that.
It's the light at the end of the tunnel.
We met when we were 10 at a spelling bee. Become friends at highschool, talked and emailed through college and the occasional 'happy birthday' calls...and now we both urge each other on to reach our dreams.
The baby is finally asleep. Let's see how long that lasts.
General Mood for today: Damn sleepy and PISSED OFF
Baby-Nala has been with me for a couple of days. And I haven't been sleeping the night through since then. I only have snatches of sleep and it's starting to show. I'm starting to get more and more irritated with everyone, easier to get upset and I simply hate everybody right now.
Which is why I'm so happy that new books are coming out like:
and
I'm also sort of in a bad mood because DreamWalkers, unlike what I planned, is starting to branch out in ways that...well, there's going to be 2 books.
Oh, and much to my dismay and worry, even though book is planned to be published on mid-February there is still no news from editor /publisher on a definite publishing date for Touched: The Sword. This is worrisome.
And I am upset.
And I'm wondering if something is wrong. And I tried to contact my editor but she remains elusive, so elusive in fact that I think she is studiously and purposely avoiding me.
I am very close to writing a very angry letter. Or a post in my blog. And no one will be pleased when that happened.
And I am also confused because my publisher isn't exactly a new publisher or a shady one, it is one of the biggest publishers in my country so, there is no excuse for them to be treating me this way.
There had not been news, despite my (ignored) inquiries for weeks. And that's just not done either personally or professionally.
I charitably thought, oh, maybe she is ill, but NOPE, her twitter is going strong. So I tweeted her, I emailed her I fb messaged her, I whatsapp her, I practically stalked her and still no response.
(this is the best I could do in an uneven surface, with one hurt hand and the other holding a sleepy baby monkey)
I passed on yesterday because me and my sister had to get our shots, and of course afterwards, our arms were like. "OW!!" for the whole night. I wasn't in the mood to do anything but sleep so I escape the pain.
Even now, I can't really lift my left arm over shoulder-height because IT. HURTS.
Last month, I had my shot on the right arm and it also hurt but not this much, and it was uncomfortable because I sleep on my right, and when I sleep I unconsciously turn right and OW.
So yesterday I got the shot on left arm, thought I was being careful, but the pain doubled. I didn't even feel the need going in on my right, but on the left? PAIN and then when doctor pressed on the plunger, more sharp PAIN.
And then all through the day and night and even today, PAIN.
Maybe I didn't feel so much pain on the right because it's my dominant hand and so my muscles are larger...I don't know.
We have a lot of bananas in the house because of monkeys and when they go bad, we BAKE.
Just made it this afternoon and it's already reduced by half. We REALLY like our bananas.
Today wasn't so bad. Pretty much a repeat of yesterday without the shot (thank God) and I'm still currently dealing with a problem that I cannot say here. It is vexing and annoying and seriously starting to piss me off.
And I am still upset over being upset.
Don't have a lot of things to say today.
Oh, the rain was so heavy today, windy too, and because of the strong wind half of the floor of my room is soaking wet because one of my walls is riddled with holes (for light and ventilation) instead of a glass window so the rain passed through easily.
Most of my clothes are damp, luckily my books were on the other side of the room.
Woke up early and was concern because baby monkey was still sleeping, concerned when I saw her lying down when she's usually up and screeching. I carried her and fed her water which she apparently needed. She was really thirsty.
Yesterday, I told the kids to take care of her, apparently they're not up for her yet. Complained, got angry and lectured which of course made me upset. I don't always want to be 'the angry lecturing one' but you have to be in this case.
Then I cooked fried rice for me and Meda because there's nothing to eat. I mean seriously (apparently step dad and kids knew there were frozen nugget at the meat fridge and didn't tell us so we were like there's nothing to EAT. When it comes to food, this family often go 'every man for themselves, sometimes I am the only one who shares. I guess, I should stop that).
I folded laundry, got it done despite my cat's disturbance.
Then spent sometimes exercising big monkey, letting him out and play in the grass and trees while Baby-Nala plays with my sister. Hiding in her hair as she does her assignments with her friends.
Then at 3 pm, I went up to take a bath and get ready for I have plans to go out with my friend, Ayank, whom I knew since junior high.
When I opened the door I was amused that we were wearing green dresses with almost the same shade. We often do this. It's funny.
(see.)
(I really need to exercise. But my hair looks nice)
When I go out with her, it's really funny since she is so thin and I'm fat. It's hilarious. I got home at 9 then took a bath, fed cats. then picked up baby from my mom's part of the house. Now baby is currently asleep. Strangely, she never sleeps this early. What did they do to her?
I haven't been sleeping the night through for four days because of baby-monkey. It refuses to sleep without being held. At least until if it manages to take off her blanket.
Anyway, other news, I have tried to introduce cats to baby monkey and you can see how that goes through this pictures.
(what is that thing near my human? Ignore it, maybe it will go away)
(I cannot believe it, it is still there. This will not be tolerated)
(This needs investigating. It is now on my human. The nerve.)
(I'll just lay here and wait until it is helpless)
Not a lot happened today but for awesome food and finally naming the baby. Baby-monkey, I dubbed thee, baby-Nala.
Oh, and finally found a way to shut her up. Due to baby-monkeys always in a state of being held by their mother, my sister saw something from her friend's tweet about baby monkeys, we swaddled her with cloth like actual human-babies. And miraculously, baby-Nala immediately shuts up and feels safe, and comfortable and sleepy.
YEY!
(ready for sleep)
Other than that, I am admiring how art can inspire art, how artists inspire other artists. For instance, there is a K-drama that I like right now called 'Flower Boy Next Door'. I know, the title sucks, but it is the latest installment of the Flower Boy series created by some cable show in South Korea.
The concept is pretty simple but as the show progresses, the story shows depth and personality.
Here is how the story goes.
There lives a girl named Go Dok Mi who seals herself in her apartment, oh she goes out whenever necessity struck but really, really prefers not to. It's not a matter of laziness, it is a matter of fear. Her only window to the world is books and TV shows and, ha, the guy who lives next door.
The fact that she spies on the guy with binoculars should be sleazy and stalker-like but due to the character, it's more like sad and pathetic. And sad.
Anyway, through several misunderstandings and misconceptions, Dok Mi meets Enrique Geum, a genius computer game inventor who is everything Dok Mi isn't; self-assured, talkative, cheerful, in your face, personal space-challenged.
Practically he is everything Dok Mi would hate.
But the thing is, he has a knack for understanding her, even when Dok Mi doesn't say a word. In several sequences he practically reads her mind and she's freaked out by it.
But after a while we kind of see similarities between them, at how Dok Mi blocks the world outside by sealing herself inside her room, and how Enrique keeps the world at arms length by his optimism and cheerfulness.
I like how they make these two very different personalities find each other, slowly understand each other and how they find parallels inside their lives.
I also like how the plot manages to put these little plot lines so both characters could read more into each other's lives; for instance, because Dok Mi is a copy writer/editor (?), she is assigned to edit Enrique's autobiography and because of it, Enrique manage to forcibly entrenched himself in her house and look over her stuff and making spot on deduction about her personality and by reading and editing his book, Dok Mi got a inside look of his brain.
And between scenes, Dok Mi (who wants to be a writer) writes little snippets of ideas that summarizes the episode.
It's really good and thoughtful. I like it so far.
The side characters are also interesting and fleshed out, and because they all live in the same vicinity we kind of see how these people, who lives different lives, come together.
And of course with TV series, MVs comes after. And I personally love these three because they show perfectly what the series is all about.
Still haven't managed to sleep the night through because baby-monkey is recovering, she was noisy and wanted to be held all the time (which is natural for her since baby monkeys spend most of their time hanging on to their mother's body) but since my cat wanted to sleep in my room, monkey could not go out.
Hence, I didn't manage to sleep very well. Currently have panda eyes. Strangely, I woke up early today and then took down laundry, fold laundry, fed cats, fed baby-monkey, fed bigger monkey, fed bro and sis, gave baby-monkey a bath, fed her again, put her to sleep (on top of me since she's so loud) while reading a book, and then fed cats, fed bro, fed baby-monkey again.
Yeah, I didn't get to write at all.
My mood is a lot better since yesterday in general I am left alone (but for baby-monkey) and since baby-monkey is healthy.
Today could be worst I guess.
Weird thing though, today I seemed to be on auto-pilot, my body moving to do things while my mind is at other places so when I remembered that I intend to do something turned out I already did.
It's a sign that my mind is cramping and that I need some serious hours of writing time to exorcise the voices inside my head.
I've been irritated all day and I hate being like this. Most of it is, I think, because I'm still caught with the whole unfairness of having to take care of the monkeys since they are not my pets anyway. Especially since because I have to take care of them, I have to neglect my cats.
My cat usually sleeps with me but she doesn't like it that I have other animals in my room, most especially not now when she's pregnant. But baby monkey is still sick so I have to watch over her. It's not like anyone else would.
And I didn't have much sleep last night because I had to check on baby monkey whether she's still breathing or not.
I got a few pages of writing in but I know it's crap because people keep bothering me about the monkey. Which of course irritates me even more.
And now because of everything, I have a stupid migraine.
I also hate feeling angry at my two sisters because they don't know how to be responsible, but I don't want to always be lecturing or having to be curt at them, but that's just how I feel today.
At first today started off pretty cool. Found an awesome material with an awesome texture and color!
(I think of making it into a hat)
And then books!
And got new shoes! Which I really need because my old sneakers' soles are like...holey.
So I was pretty chillin'. I had to get up early though to pick up laundry and fold it. Fed cats and then monkeys etc.
Then my sisters came home which then of course the unthinkable happen.
They found out that baby monkey is half-dead (okay, not really, but it was all weak), it got hung up by the neck, tangle up in one of the bars on the window, and I was really afraid that it snapped its neck.
I took it down, and parted it from the Otan-the big monkey which of course made her crazy. I kept checking whether its breathing for five minutes, cooked food for family then took baby to my room; gave it water, then milk which made it wake up more. It started to move around and made noises.
I was so sad and so angry. Nobody had any business of getting a baby anything without its mother coming along. And most of all, when family got the monkey I told them that the monkey must be taken care of and the it wouldn't be me. Because monkey's aren't pets, for crying out loud.
But of course with sisters in school and mom working, I'm always stuck with it anyway. And I DESPISE IT.
But I don't blame the monkey.
And I was so upset looking at it so weak and unmoving. I was about to cry.
But baby is safe now, and looking much healthier after a meal of banana meshed with milk. Its now sleeping soundly.
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